Overview

You can help your child learn to regulate their brain and body through co-regulation. This is when one person helps another to feel calm and safe by providing a warm and caring interaction. This is the foundation for self-regulation, when your child learns to manage how they act and feel.

When you co-regulate with your child, you are trying to get to a feeling of connection and safety together. This reduces their physical and emotional distress. You co-regulate with your child when you:

• soothe your crying baby at night
• encourage your preschooler on their first day at school
• support your teen through a friendship breakdown

Notice cues

Notice your child’s physical cues. This helps you respond in a supportive and effective way. When your child’s brain and body feel safe, your child will feel regulated or just right. They’re in their window of tolerance. Your child will seem content, alert, or playful. You might notice physical cues, such as:

• bright eyes
• a smile and relaxed facial muscles
• their body moves comfortably
• speaking in a variety of tones of voice
• relaxed breathing
• an ability to focus and participate

When your child’s brain and body detect a threat, they may feel dysregulated or out of control. They’re outside their window of tolerance. Your child may seem tense and defiant, or distant and disengaged. You might notice unexpected behaviours, as well as physical cues, such as:

• wide-open eyes or a fixed, distant look
• tense, clenched facial muscles or a serious face
• very fast or very slow movements
• speaking loudly or in a flat tone of voice
• shallow or irregular breathing
• difficulty taking part in activities

Be present

In times of stress, you can help your child regulate by staying calm. To co-regulate with your child, be in the present moment. Be aware of what’s going on for your child, inside yourself, and all around.

Pause and observe the situation. Be curious and let go of judgment or worries. Co-regulation involves seeing your child’s struggle and trying to understand it with compassion.

Connect

The act of co-regulating with your child is more than what you say or do. Connection is about helping your child feel safe and seen.

When you co-regulate with your child, look at them with caring eyes. Remember, your child isn’t choosing to feel out of control. This is hard for them as well. Remind yourself that stress or feeling a threat has pushed them outside their window of tolerance.

Acknowledge your child’s struggle without trying to fix it. This can be done physically, by gently moving closer to your child, or verbally, by offering supportive words like, “Yes, I see you’re having a hard time.” Think of ways to interact with your child that show you’re there for them.

Get back to feeling just right

When your child moves outside their window of tolerance, remind them of activities they can do, or sensations they can use, to get back to feeling just right. It might be helpful to make a list using words or pictures of the activities that help your child.

When your child has a lot of energy, they might need activities that let them release energy in a safe way. They can:

• scribble or rip paper
• squeeze soft toys or pillows
• run, walk, or dance
• jump or stomp their feet on the floor
• play pushing and pulling games

If their energy is low, they might benefit from different activities, such as:

• blowing bubbles or deep breathing
• a cold or warm drink
• chewing gum or crunchy snacks
• a hug or swaddle in a blanket
• singing or listening to music

Let your child pick an option from the list that you can do together. Or choose 1 and do it yourself. They may decide to join you, or they may just watch. Even just being near you and watching you do a regulating activity helps your child’s brain and body regulate over time.