Grief is hard work and takes energy. Everyone experiences loss differently. There’s no set time limit to feel sadness or the pain of loss. The best thing you can do is to allow yourself and your partner the time to work through your emotions and find meaningful ways to remember your baby. Let yourself, your partner, and your family do what’s most helpful for each of you.
Working through the emotions after a loss is important. Open communication will help. Since everyone feels loss differently, try not to judge each other’s reactions. Even though you have lost the same baby, how you respond to your grief may be very different.
It might not seem possible right now, but you’ll find ways to grow around your grief. Many parents say that over time, a dull ache replaces the intense feelings of grief and loss.
The impact of grief
Grief may affect your body, how you think, your feelings, your relationships, and your spiritual beliefs. Grief is different for everyone. Some ways you may feel grief are listed below.
Physical
- feeling tired or lack of energy
- chest pain and tightness
- aching arms
- changes in sleep or appetite
- stomach aches, nausea, or muscle aches
- more colds or infections (weaker immune system)
Cognitive (thoughts)
- shock, denial, confusion
- problems concentrating or remembering things
- lack of motivation
- having little or no interest in things you normally enjoy
- having trouble understanding and solving problems
Emotions (feelings)
- intense sadness
- loneliness
- guilt or shame
- anger or resentment
- fear, anxiety, panic attacks, agitation
- helplessness or feeling overwhelmed
- less confidence or being unsure of yourself
Relationships (social)
- isolated or alone
- feeling out of touch with others
- changes in relationships
- unable to manage work or daily activities
- losing contact with friends and family
- feeling upset when around children or pregnant women
Spiritual
- feel like your life has changed forever
- questions about meaning and purpose
- test of beliefs or faith (“Why me?” or “Where is my God?”)
- spend more or less time with your faith community than before
- lose your sense of purpose (“Why go on?”)
Secondary loss
You may grieve the loss of your role as a parent. If you have other children, you may be sad about the loss of a sibling for them. You may find it hard to be with friends who have new babies. Or you may find that you’re not comfortable going to baby showers or birthday parties for children. These are all secondary losses you may feel as a result of the loss of your baby. Often it can help to talk to your friends and family about how you feel.
