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After Your Miscarriage

How you feel grief

Grief is a process. Feeling sad about the loss of the hopes and dreams you had for your baby is a normal part of this process. Learning to live with grief is an important part of healing. Many factors can affect how grief impacts you. They include:

  • your personality
  • if you have other children
  • your culture
  • your religious beliefs or practices
  • if you’ve had losses before
  • how your family has handled grief before

Everyone experiences grief in their own unique way. Some people process their grief through their emotions (feeling), others through their thoughts (thinking). Many people have a blended style of feeling and thinking.

  • Thinking and doing: This is when you feel the need to keep busy so you don’t focus on your feelings. For example, keeping busy with projects, volunteering, or keeping really busy with work.
  • Feeling: When you think about your feelings and on what’s happened. Your energy is used to react to your feelings. For example, being very sad, crying, and wanting to talk about your baby.

Your partner may cope by thinking and doing. Activities like returning to work sooner, working long hours, or keeping busy with hobbies can offer a distraction for them. Doing something makes it feel like they can quickly carry on or fix the situation. But, delaying grief can causes it to come out in other ways later on. This also creates a situation where one partner is grieving alone, which makes both partners feel alone. If this happens to you, talk to your partner and find resources which offer support or help.

You may cope with grief by admitting your feelings and talking about them. If this is how you grieve, remember that your partner is grieving too. If you feel alone, talk to your partner. Talk to others as well, such as close friends, or a professional grief counsellor or support group.

Remember, your feelings and reactions may be different than your partner’s. You may work through your grief in a different way. It helps to accept any feelings of sadness and disappointment. It’s OK to grieve and feel pain. You are not to blame for the miscarriage – nothing you did caused it.

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